Stuff

Not sure how many readers saw my post from yesterday... I did delete it, mostly because if I am going to post about a fight, then I should do so and not really be a butthead. You'll rarely find a blogger who mentions fights with their spouses. I don't know why, I mean, most people do it so why portray yourselves as not? Now, to be honest, Caayn and I don't really fight. In fact, before yesterday, I can't remember our last one (well, okay, I can but it was directly involved the issue we talked about yesterday so that doesn't count). I like that about us. But I need a place where I can write it out. I can talk until I'm blue in the face with anyone who will listen, but its not out of my brain until I write it out. I think that's the last of the aspiring writer I once was.

I'm still pissed at him. I'm not sure that's the right word or feeling, but its what I've got to work with right now. I don't really want to talk to him either.. thats how I am when I'm moody. I internalize and avoid as much contact with people as possible. I know I'll get over this. But him? I don't know. I do know I'm tired of him not having thoughts, or saying he doesn't, because people think. There has to be a thought process behind your actions. It's just how it goes. Well, unless you're 2. I'm not sure how much thought process Sully has going on when he does things like throw himself on the floor which involves his little noggin cracking the hardwood... But Caayn is 23 and a writer. To me, I just expect a little more to be going on upstairs.

Gah. And now I feel like I'm just talking crap. I'm trying not to, really, but I have to get this stuff out. Normally I call my mom and spew to her. She's good like that. But I did that for an hour yesterday and I'm sure she doesn't want to hear the same things she did then. And its not quite the same as writing it down.

Your spouse should always be your best friend. That's a straight up given. I share everything with Caayn, he's the one I want to talk to about a book or talk to about how a certain song makes me feel, he's the one I want to hold me when I cry. He makes me feel safe in a world where things aren't always good. Seeing him play with our son fills me with a joy and love I didn't know existed until the day we met Sully. I look forward to seeing him when he's older. (I wonder if he'll carry on the pirate look his dad has... some guys have an inner pirate they don't know about, my father-in-law is totally one of those guys.) All of this is why I married him after only knowing him 2 months. We clicked. Instantly. It felt like I had known him my entire life and longer. I think the first I love you's were said at like 2 weeks, and both of us felt like fools because we thought it was too early to feel that way. And I know after a month we were already planning our wedding. The day of our wedding, I remember being asked repeatedly, are you nervous? Second thoughts? I never felt that way. I never felt an ounce of hesitation, it was what was supposed to happen. (Even though I was late and I'm sure he was wondering what was going on, lol.)

So give me a few days. I'll come around and be cheery again. And you know what? I am cutting my hair. Everyone will get used to it... I've just got to find the right style. Hmm. This means I'll probably start wearing makeup again. That'd be awesome. Makeup = good.

Before and After

Okay... summer of 1999. Before and after the big hair cut. Sorry the quality of photo is bad--they are still in the album, lol... The album is kinda old and I don't want to lose the stick on the sheets by pulling the pics out. I want to find some more of the afters, because I did change it some and then I let it grow out.

I still think I looked MUCH better in the after. Caayn says not so much.

Brain Spew

I feel like I am going to explode. There are so many things stuffed into my brain that I can't even begin to process any of it. There is just too much. I wish I had a girlfriend who could come over and let me spill it all, let me cry it all out and then help me pick up whats left. Poor Caayn, he doesn't even stand a chance.

Last night I felt it coming back... before pregnancy, whenever I'd get to the dreaded PMS thing, rather than being an outward bitch, I would start internalizing all these awful thoughts. I'd get highly unsatisfied with my life and feel like I was just the worst person in the world. There would be a flurry of cleaning, throwing things away, etc. A lot of it was hormones, but some of it is also depression. It would be like a snowball that rolled down Mt. Everest. It would start with me being bitchy. I don't particularly like being a bitch, so I would stuff it inside. Which is where the depression picked it up and sent it on its merry way. Last night, I felt everything shift and prepare to start rolling. It's a truly awful feeling.

I got my hair highlighted... except you can't really tell. Caayn keeps reassuring me that its my angle in the mirror. But I dunno. I am now trying to decide if I want to cut my hair off. Yeah, I know. I am never satisfied with my hair. Never. Started when I was little. My grandma would take me to get my hair cut, and I usually chose "the Bob" because, well, that was my favorite uncle's name. Then it would grow out and I'd do it again. In jr high I discovered I could change the color... I went through a hideous phase where my hair was really really puffy (I think puberty must have changed my hair because it became curly and thick rather than thin and straight) and like bright orange.. Anyone remember Sun-In? Haha, I used bottled of that stuff.

I let it grow really long until I was 15. It was the summer I was going into my sophmore year. I had a sheep named Morgan for the FFA. (Whoa yeah, I was in the FFA. Mostly for the sheep, because that was cool. She was punk rock with spots on her leg.) I had been saving a picture from some teen mag for like 3 years... it was short and spiky and cool. I did it. I remember when she cut it at my jawline, I looked in the mirror and thought, OMG I look awful! But by the time she was done, I still think I looked pretty good. I did cut it shorter when I got home, which I see now was a hideous mistake, lol.

Ever since that day, when my hair gets to shoulder length or longer, I cut it off. Two summers since I've been here I have done the bob again... once I did it myself out of pure frustration at my hair. Neither time has it been good. I'm not sure how to get my hair curly again. It sort of stopped being curly when we moved here. I like to think it was the ocean air that helped me, hehe. But now I want to go there again. I want to go super short.

For the record, Caayn is totally against the idea of me with short hair. He likes long hair. Me? I hate long hair. I'm not sure the last time someone other than him and Sully has seen me with long hair that isn't pulled back. I think its because I don't know how to style hair. I know how to do a ponytail and thats about it. Curling iron? No clue. Have one, used it maybe once... its like some foreign machine to me. I dunno. I'm going to post some pictures of me with varying hair lengths, once Caayn comes home to root out my photo album... If anyone is reading, give yer opinion. I need more than a yes and 2 nos. If the hair cut doesn't work, my back-up plan is to dye my hair black and get a perm. I've never done a perm, but I'm hoping it would achieve something cute.

Also stewing in my brain is my dad. Apparently he called my mom. Someone (and that someone is probably my ex sister-in-law) told him I'm pregnant again. He has the address and phone number to our little red house, where we haven't lived since 2004. Over the course of the conversation he said several things. One, that he wanted to be able to just call and talk every once in awhile. Hmm... considering I haven't had a functional relationship with him since I was... 7 or 8... I don't know what we'd talk about. He also asked if me and my brother were "basket cases". Wow. Wonderfully sensitive man, yes? My mom said no, but to be honest, yes, we are. I like to think I am better at hiding it then my Leo-loud brother, although, I've also spent almost my whole life showing one mask or another and never letting anyone in (which is why blogging is nice... typing is so much easier than talking, no one can see me and no one has to know me... well, unless they do, in which case it is a wee bit hard for me knowing they'll read this and KNOW what I'm feeling... its like a peep-hole into my carefully built fortress)...

I'm pregnant. I don't want to deal with this. I want to curl up into a ball and hide from everything. It's too much. I hate him for making me wish, even just a tiny bit, to have a normal dad I could talk to. But I just know if I go ahead and make that contact, all he is going to do is make me cry. Over and over. I can't be sure its worth the pain. I don't even have questions for him about why he did all that he did... I just don't care anymore. Yuck! Sometimes I wish I was someone else. I don't recognize who I am anymore.

Mike Rowe on Larry King

Title says it all. Tonight at 9pm EST Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs will be on Larry King. Everyone should watch.

Oh, and if you don't know who Mike Rowe is, or what Dirty Jobs is about, then I highly suggest you go google him right now. He does other things, like narrating several other good shows (Deadliest Catch and Ghost Hunters are on the list, both of which are worth watching)...

And all that aside, I nominate him to play the part of Roland, if a movie is ever made about the Dark Tower series.