09 July 2007

Brain Spew

I feel like I am going to explode. There are so many things stuffed into my brain that I can't even begin to process any of it. There is just too much. I wish I had a girlfriend who could come over and let me spill it all, let me cry it all out and then help me pick up whats left. Poor Caayn, he doesn't even stand a chance.

Last night I felt it coming back... before pregnancy, whenever I'd get to the dreaded PMS thing, rather than being an outward bitch, I would start internalizing all these awful thoughts. I'd get highly unsatisfied with my life and feel like I was just the worst person in the world. There would be a flurry of cleaning, throwing things away, etc. A lot of it was hormones, but some of it is also depression. It would be like a snowball that rolled down Mt. Everest. It would start with me being bitchy. I don't particularly like being a bitch, so I would stuff it inside. Which is where the depression picked it up and sent it on its merry way. Last night, I felt everything shift and prepare to start rolling. It's a truly awful feeling.

I got my hair highlighted... except you can't really tell. Caayn keeps reassuring me that its my angle in the mirror. But I dunno. I am now trying to decide if I want to cut my hair off. Yeah, I know. I am never satisfied with my hair. Never. Started when I was little. My grandma would take me to get my hair cut, and I usually chose "the Bob" because, well, that was my favorite uncle's name. Then it would grow out and I'd do it again. In jr high I discovered I could change the color... I went through a hideous phase where my hair was really really puffy (I think puberty must have changed my hair because it became curly and thick rather than thin and straight) and like bright orange.. Anyone remember Sun-In? Haha, I used bottled of that stuff.

I let it grow really long until I was 15. It was the summer I was going into my sophmore year. I had a sheep named Morgan for the FFA. (Whoa yeah, I was in the FFA. Mostly for the sheep, because that was cool. She was punk rock with spots on her leg.) I had been saving a picture from some teen mag for like 3 years... it was short and spiky and cool. I did it. I remember when she cut it at my jawline, I looked in the mirror and thought, OMG I look awful! But by the time she was done, I still think I looked pretty good. I did cut it shorter when I got home, which I see now was a hideous mistake, lol.

Ever since that day, when my hair gets to shoulder length or longer, I cut it off. Two summers since I've been here I have done the bob again... once I did it myself out of pure frustration at my hair. Neither time has it been good. I'm not sure how to get my hair curly again. It sort of stopped being curly when we moved here. I like to think it was the ocean air that helped me, hehe. But now I want to go there again. I want to go super short.

For the record, Caayn is totally against the idea of me with short hair. He likes long hair. Me? I hate long hair. I'm not sure the last time someone other than him and Sully has seen me with long hair that isn't pulled back. I think its because I don't know how to style hair. I know how to do a ponytail and thats about it. Curling iron? No clue. Have one, used it maybe once... its like some foreign machine to me. I dunno. I'm going to post some pictures of me with varying hair lengths, once Caayn comes home to root out my photo album... If anyone is reading, give yer opinion. I need more than a yes and 2 nos. If the hair cut doesn't work, my back-up plan is to dye my hair black and get a perm. I've never done a perm, but I'm hoping it would achieve something cute.

Also stewing in my brain is my dad. Apparently he called my mom. Someone (and that someone is probably my ex sister-in-law) told him I'm pregnant again. He has the address and phone number to our little red house, where we haven't lived since 2004. Over the course of the conversation he said several things. One, that he wanted to be able to just call and talk every once in awhile. Hmm... considering I haven't had a functional relationship with him since I was... 7 or 8... I don't know what we'd talk about. He also asked if me and my brother were "basket cases". Wow. Wonderfully sensitive man, yes? My mom said no, but to be honest, yes, we are. I like to think I am better at hiding it then my Leo-loud brother, although, I've also spent almost my whole life showing one mask or another and never letting anyone in (which is why blogging is nice... typing is so much easier than talking, no one can see me and no one has to know me... well, unless they do, in which case it is a wee bit hard for me knowing they'll read this and KNOW what I'm feeling... its like a peep-hole into my carefully built fortress)...

I'm pregnant. I don't want to deal with this. I want to curl up into a ball and hide from everything. It's too much. I hate him for making me wish, even just a tiny bit, to have a normal dad I could talk to. But I just know if I go ahead and make that contact, all he is going to do is make me cry. Over and over. I can't be sure its worth the pain. I don't even have questions for him about why he did all that he did... I just don't care anymore. Yuck! Sometimes I wish I was someone else. I don't recognize who I am anymore.


daisy said...

Family! Sheesh.

Try a flat iron for your hair. I have very coarse, wavy hair and it's just recently I've been able to let it grow a bit longer and it's due to the magic of a good flat iron.

(Although I think you looked good with short hair too).