13 July 2007


Not sure how many readers saw my post from yesterday... I did delete it, mostly because if I am going to post about a fight, then I should do so and not really be a butthead. You'll rarely find a blogger who mentions fights with their spouses. I don't know why, I mean, most people do it so why portray yourselves as not? Now, to be honest, Caayn and I don't really fight. In fact, before yesterday, I can't remember our last one (well, okay, I can but it was directly involved the issue we talked about yesterday so that doesn't count). I like that about us. But I need a place where I can write it out. I can talk until I'm blue in the face with anyone who will listen, but its not out of my brain until I write it out. I think that's the last of the aspiring writer I once was.

I'm still pissed at him. I'm not sure that's the right word or feeling, but its what I've got to work with right now. I don't really want to talk to him either.. thats how I am when I'm moody. I internalize and avoid as much contact with people as possible. I know I'll get over this. But him? I don't know. I do know I'm tired of him not having thoughts, or saying he doesn't, because people think. There has to be a thought process behind your actions. It's just how it goes. Well, unless you're 2. I'm not sure how much thought process Sully has going on when he does things like throw himself on the floor which involves his little noggin cracking the hardwood... But Caayn is 23 and a writer. To me, I just expect a little more to be going on upstairs.

Gah. And now I feel like I'm just talking crap. I'm trying not to, really, but I have to get this stuff out. Normally I call my mom and spew to her. She's good like that. But I did that for an hour yesterday and I'm sure she doesn't want to hear the same things she did then. And its not quite the same as writing it down.

Your spouse should always be your best friend. That's a straight up given. I share everything with Caayn, he's the one I want to talk to about a book or talk to about how a certain song makes me feel, he's the one I want to hold me when I cry. He makes me feel safe in a world where things aren't always good. Seeing him play with our son fills me with a joy and love I didn't know existed until the day we met Sully. I look forward to seeing him when he's older. (I wonder if he'll carry on the pirate look his dad has... some guys have an inner pirate they don't know about, my father-in-law is totally one of those guys.) All of this is why I married him after only knowing him 2 months. We clicked. Instantly. It felt like I had known him my entire life and longer. I think the first I love you's were said at like 2 weeks, and both of us felt like fools because we thought it was too early to feel that way. And I know after a month we were already planning our wedding. The day of our wedding, I remember being asked repeatedly, are you nervous? Second thoughts? I never felt that way. I never felt an ounce of hesitation, it was what was supposed to happen. (Even though I was late and I'm sure he was wondering what was going on, lol.)

So give me a few days. I'll come around and be cheery again. And you know what? I am cutting my hair. Everyone will get used to it... I've just got to find the right style. Hmm. This means I'll probably start wearing makeup again. That'd be awesome. Makeup = good.