21 January 2007

A Whole Lot of Psychosis

I wonder how many people wonder why I call myself Phoenix when I refer to myself online. There's only one place I use my real name, and thats on baby forums, because all those women use their real names.

Want to know the truth? I'm a paranoid psycho! I live in constant fear that somehow my father will find me. Isn't that silly? Caayn definitely thinks so. And the really silly thing is that Caayn and I have very blah, commonplace, names. Our last name is totally generic! Yet I use my son's real name, which is way more uncommon. Who knows. When my son was born, I denied any release of information to the local papers, in fear that my dad might somehow be reading the paper. (Regardless of the fact he still lives back in California.)

I admit it! I have a daddy issue!

I plan on telling Sully that my dad is dead, which is probably wrong in so many ways, but I don't care. And one of these days Caayn and I are going to do our wills, and in it I'll put my wish that my father and any relatives or friends of his be denied any visitation rights. We already agreed to give the guardianship stuff to his father and step-mother. That's my just in case thing. I've even researched the grandparents rights' laws, after having nightmares of my dad trying to pull that crap. He's pulled it on my brother, which is ridiculous because my brother still sees him and allows his children near him. Once he tried to have a contest with my brother regarding his kids--to see who could save up a certain amount of money in a set amount of time... whoever did it would get the rights to raise the kids. Seriously, who is psycho like that? My dad.

Back story: Mom and Dad met, my grandparents said eww don't date him, she said I love him, he said I don't love her! She moved in anyway. They married. 2 years later, my brother. 5ish years later he met Shelly. 6 years later me. 1 month after that he left us for said Shelly. They have 2 kids now, I don't know how old they are, but its a girl and boy. I visited often, even enjoyed going over there. We camped. My dad makes excellent pancakes. One summer I stayed for an extended length of time. They tried to "kidnap" me (as in I was told we were going to visit a friend in CO for a long time, but they didn't tell any of the family, and it was by chance I called my mom and told her..).. There was a lot of stuff in there too, as in them talking mad shit on my mom to me, step-mother trying to call CPS on my mom... 6th grade, my dad tries to get full custody out of the blue. Denied. 7th grade, he calls me to tell me after a family vote they don't want me to visit any more. 9th grade, he tries to visit me in school... He tried having things delivered to my job... (At this point, any contact with him would leave me pretty much hysterical.) I skipped below radar by moving in with relatives, then with a friend. 2003 I met Caayn when he was in tech school at the air base near my town. I was 17. My mother signed the marriage license, since I needed a guardian's permission. (LUCKY my mother had sole custody.) When we arrived here in Minot, the first time we came on base and met with the official people, some high ranking lady told us my father had contacted them saying he hadn't given permission to be married, yada yada... Scared the shit out of me. He tried to sue for the child support he'd paid after I was married, they told him HAHA because he paid only $100 for me (it was actually $50 per child, until my bro reached 18, then they said keep paying $100 since it was so low)...

Thats about it. My whole family covers for me. He tries contacting various family members every now and then digging for info. All of them refuse to give it up. He didn't know I had a son until my brother accidently let that slip.

Pretty crazy huh? You'd wonder why he keeps bothering. It's obvious I want nothing to do with him anymore... I don't understand it. Honestly, I think it's his wife. She's really weird. When I used to talk to him when I was little, I could always hear her in the background, telling him what to say. How weird is that? Sometimes I get so freaked out thinking about it all, I start to wonder if he has ever hired a private invesitgator to try and find me.. It makes me grateful to live on a military base. And makes me worried thinking about when we don't. My step-mother is a teacher. She used to have all my schools inform her on things about me, and they did even when my mom expressly told them not to. I worry about that happening to Sully.

I'm a freak! WHOO! Not sure why I had to get this off my chest. Probably because I got a + on my OPK today, which means hopefully soon there will be another baby, which means I'll have a whole 'nother soul to be worried for. Seriously, why do mothers have to worry so much?

This whole post was a digression. What I was going for in that first paragraph is that all of that is why I refer to myself as Phoenix when online. It's my way of "covering my tracks" as it is. I guess it makes me feel a little safer.

Silly me!


Chris said...

I can't talk or judge. I call myself Rude Cactus. What's up with that? ;-)