Rambles @ 19 weeks

19 weeks today... Almost halfway there. It seems like every day my belly is just a bit bigger. I'm constantly looking over my stretch marks to see if any are turning colors or if new ones are showing up. I hope they don't. The sight of them doesn't bother me, I think they are kind of cool, but the skin feels different there. If I have an itch on my belly where some are, I shudder to touch it... the skin is thinner, it feels, and like there is nothing underneath. I don't know, its hard to explain.

I'm thankful we live in a new house with shorter staircases. With Sully, we had one long staircase, and only one bathroom, at the top. It was a pain to climb all that way just to pee, which you do often during pregnancy. And the bigger I got, the slower I would go. I can remember running up them as fast as I could, and going any faster than a slow walk. It was like those dreams... I find myself running up them as fast I can now, just to do it while I can, lol. And while we now have 3 bathrooms, again, there aren't any on the main floor, which means I still have to climb a set of stairs.

If you ask Sully what my belly is, instead of saying belly, he says, "baby in there" which is cute. I think he refers to all bellies like that.

Yesterday was Caayn's birthday. He's 23 now. Time flies. I remember when he turned 19; it was about 21 days after the first time we met in person... I think even by then we had known we were getting married. I also think I spent my whole paycheck buying him gifts from my aunt and uncle's store. Those were fun days. Weeks flew by in the rush of waiting for the weekends.

Sully talked to Caayn's mom on the phone last night. He said, "Hi Gaga! I lub you! I miss you!" I think I'm not alone in feeling a little guilty that he doesn't get to see his family more often.

Next week, at this exact point in time, I may know what the gender of my baby is. I'm excited and nervous. I also feel a little betrayed by my body, not letting me in on the secret like it did with Sully, forcing me to turn to machines to let me know. And I also feel weird finding out... I still don't want to, but I think if we don't, the baby will be born and have nothing to wear. I have no desire to buy baby clothes or baby stuff... well, except for the SUPER adorable dinosaur stuff that Target has. I want another boy so very badly. My picture of me as an adult was always me in a household of boys... well, it was actually a boy and a boy/girl set of twins, lol... but all boys would suit me just fine. I'm not a girly girl and couldn't imagine trying to raise a girl... Poor dream. Everyone seems to think this is a girl. I'll stubbornly hold onto my dream a little bit longer...