04 November 2007

A Long Winded Story About My Mom

I discovered something on Friday that has been sort of rattling in my brain, needing to get put on paper (or, well, a computer screen) so that I can think through it and see it in front of me. This is how I think best.

My mom and I are pretty close. I've said this before, I'm pretty sure. We talk on the phone at least once a week, for an hour or more each call, and we often email very long emails to each other. (Sort of like how my blog entries are forever long? Yeah, I got that from her; Caayn calls us the wordy bastards, lol.) I don't like to spend a lot of time with her in person though, which is strange. I think this has to do with a lot of things from my past, part of which would have to do with the fact I've really been the one to take care of myself since I was young. Where I lived, who I lived with, the rules of each house... those were never constant, there was usually just me.

Now, my mom is the black sheep in the family. Basically, it's like she doesn't exist to them. None of them want to talk to her, or want anything to do with her, despite her efforts to reconnect every now and then. I understand this better than she does, because I've lived with the other family members and I know where they stand. I've tried explaining to her, but it's both hard to say and hard to hear.

Because I'm close to her, it is a little difficult talking to other family members. My aunt and uncle are probably my most favorite people in the world. They came close to adopting me once, something I've really regretted, since it didn't happen. They open their arms and it is like home. We don't talk on the phone much, it's too hard for me. My aunt prefers to be the one on the phone, so I don't get to talk to my uncle (or if I do, it's like a 3 minute conversation). And they've done so much to try and separate me from my mom. I know they are coming from a place of love, because my mom truly is a different kind of person, and its hard for them to understand why I invite her chaos into my life. And while I can handle hearing criticism about her, because she has indeed made many mistakes just like everyone else, they sometimes go too far or hit a nerve with me. So we don't talk too often..

My mom moved to Arizona last summer. It was a VERY monumental decision. She was leaving her 12 year relationship with a bad man. An abusive man. (He was about 10% of why my family was upset with her.) I dreamed about killing him, and that is not said lightly. I have honestly hated, truly hated, very few people in my life, but him I will probably carry hate for, for the rest of my life. So when she left him, oh it was a fine day.

She had met a guy online. This didn't mean much, since she had used the 2 visits out here as excuses to meet guys she'd found online on the way back home. (Gee, thanks Mom, make me the alibi in some crazy scheme...) He was going to move her out to live with him. My brother rented a u-haul for her, since she doesn't have a driver's license (back owes on child support from when I lived with my grandma), and he helped her move out there. She left the bad man while he was at work, sort of a daylight sneaking out; smart too, since if he had known, he probably would have killed her.

There was more to the story than she told either me and my brother, and that hurt. She lied to us. She doesn't always tell the truth about things, and thats to be expected, but in this situation, we both deserved to know the whole truth. The guy was married. For 35 years. She was moving into a trailer. My brother was extraordinarily pissed, and he had the right to be. He had helped her move there, to destroy a marriage. Uncool!

But there is more to this story as well. His marriage was already on the rocks. They just didn't have any reason to get divorced. The lady has met my mom, read all their emails to each other, and with a hug, told my mom that she was what he needed. Over the following year, Mom has bounced from place to place, job to job. She's not a good worker, mostly because she never picks the right kind of job for her.

I talked to my brother on Friday. He is... I don't know the word for it. To explain it a little, he is your typical Leo, as well as a typical example of a boy who grows up without a dad (or, well, a dad like we have, who causes far more strife than anything else). Sometimes, often, he is not on the good side of the family as well, but that is really a whole different story. (Oh, and for the record, I'm pretty much a typical Scorpio and your classic example of a girl with daddy issues, so I totally can say that about my bro!)

So Rob and I were talking, and it came up that my mom is going to stop in Colorado with her new boyfriend-guy-thing on the way back home after she comes out here in March. And he was joking about how she shouldn't show up without his money. (She owes him the money for renting the u-haul.) Ever since the move, he hasn't been close to her anymore. She really strained their relationship by omitting info like she did. That sort of just steamrolled into how Mom is a lazy woman who just wants to sit on her ass and do nothing, and how he'd TOLD the guy she was like that and on and on.

It was then that I realized I am the only one on my mom's side. And it sort of hurts. I am so proud of her. She has never done something on her own. Ever. She moved from her parents house directly into her husband's house. He left her, she got on welfare and stayed home to raise us. She met bad man #1 who wrecked her relationship with her family and caused me and my brother a lot of pain and suffering. He left. She met bad man#2 and moved in with him, where he promptly started beating on her. For her to strike on her own like this is huge. Yes, she was moving to be with a different man, but he is smart. He asked that they not live together for a period of time, for him to adjust to not being married, etc. Smart. She has had to live BY HERSELF and support herself. It's amazing. I am so very proud of her because for the first time in her life, she is happy. She is loved. She is wanted and needed by someone.

I know she went about the situation a little uinderhanded, but to me, it was worth it in the long run. This guy is so good for her. But no one in my whole family can see that. Anytime a phone call takes place, they are berating her for ruining a house, destroying a marriage... no one wants the facts behind it. No one can be happy for her. I am. I'll be her one person cheering squad.

Boy, do I have a twisted family, lol.


Badness Jones said...

Came over from Phoenix, that's a powerful post. I don't know what to comment, don't feel qualified. But I hope that everything works out for your mom, and given some time and space her family will lay some of their anger to rest and work to develop a fresh relationship with her.

Momma Phoenix said...

Thank you, I hope things work out for her too. I also hope the family will come around, but they hold grudges for so long, that I'm just not sure it will ever happen. (Which is such a shame, if they would just open their eyes, they'd see he is a good man.)

Karen said...

You know, this is a really profound and grown-up thing that few grown-ups can do: 1. See their parents honestly as just the flawed human beings they are and 2. Get over it.

Momma Phoenix said...

I wonder if I hadn't gone through all that I have, would I still able to see with such clarity?

And I'm thankful for it too--its allowed me to maintain a close relationship with her.