Midwife Update

Quick update...

Midwife appt was good. She had a nursing student with her... Generally I'm not a fan, but oh well. He learned what a 37 week baby feels like inside. She said I was the first one this far along he had experience with. I told him to push harder, 'cause seriously, he would never be able to determine baby stuff by light touches.

I am at 165lbs (can't remember what I was last week though), blood pressure was 120/60 and Mr. L's heart was in the high 130s. (It's funny that you can actually know what it is by hearing it--Caayn and I both are good at determining the rate by just listening.) I am now 60% effaced, 2cms dilated... And she did strip my membranes. Please please please let that work... I'd really like for Chris to be around and NOT have to get dumped from his ALS class (which he'd have to if I were to get a c-section)...

Thats it for now!

Nearing the End

Thought yesterday might have been the day. Strong contractions two minutes apart for at least 4 hours, then they slowed down to a nicer 4-5 minutes apart. But by afternoon they had slowed to 10 minutes. Slept good last night, finally. No contractions to wake me up! We go to the midwife today.

Today is my mom's birthday. I can't remember how old she'll be, since I always will think of her as 35. I *think* she'll be 49. Our birthdays are days apart. This year, they will be in the same week. I hope her boyfriend dude treats her to a really nice day. I don't think anyone has ever done something really good to her in years. (Except me and my bro taking her to Red Lobster, hehe, she loved that!)

Tomorrow is Halloween. Samhain. The other day I found two boxes of books in the garage. How insulting--books being kept captive in a box, not feeling the light, not having the chance for their bindings to be caressed, being picked up and read. I, of course, had to pull them open so I could see who was missing from my flock. One box was all of the books I have on Paganism. My heart swelled. Over the years that I've been married to Caayn, I've slowly lost touch with that side of me. My spiritual self is sort of like a piece of crepe paper, delicate, worn, crinkles with a tough. I hate it. Caayn met me on Witches Vox. (I think this is the first time I've mentioned -where- online we met in years...) But his way of celebrating life was different than mine. I had spent several years learning, sometimes living, with my aunt and uncle. They are Pagan. It was a time for healing the wounds in my body. So having lost that, it does hurt.

Now I wonder if it wasn't someone reaching out to me, moving me to the boxes. They have been sitting there since last November, and I JUST NOW decided to open them? What's up with that? the other box, by the way, held more paperbacks, as well as some big picture books that were mine as a child. Sully is learning the joy of Richard Scary.

I think reading those books again will jog my memory. Remind me of thoughts I haven't had in awhile. Some day Sully will ask about religion, spirituality, death... I want to be able to answer him, sure in my heart, without needing to think about it for three days.

Dang. I hope I remember to stop at the DMV or whatever stupid name they call it out here (seriously, its the Department of Motor Vehicles--why can't all states use that name, rather than feeling the need to change it up?).... My driver's license is about to expire... Ah poo, never mind, we even have a separate department for getting your license. Hope they won't be busy. I hope they let me keep my old photo... I love it... it's like the best picture of myself, ever. It reminds me of who I was--black hair, dark eyes, my worn jean jacket, playing pool all night, smoking cigarettes in the cool night air. I feel bad for Caayn--when he met me, I was a lot of fun. I did things. Since we've moved here, I stopped doing things. I'm not in my comfort zone anymore, can't take him on dates to all the places I've grown up around... Hopefully I'll find myself again. I bet Caayn would like it! (Even though he doesn't complain as is... I don't even know if he "cares" about those kind of changes... Ya know?)

Anyway, enough of that!

No candy is going out of our house tomorrow. The dogs set up way too much racket. No trick or treating for Sully. We didn't buy a costume because we didn't know what we'd be doing with the baby being due soon. We'll probably sit around and watch all those documentaries on vampires and werewolves and witches and ghosties, with me nitpicking them as if I knew more about an expert in the field. I always do that, not sure why. I also have a tendency to say lines with movies (although I have gotten better since Caayn hates that, lol). Same with music--if I know the lyrics, its almost impossible to keep me from singing.

Silliness.

October 27th ROCKS!

Welcome to my most favorite day of the year!

Currently it is almost 11am and the temperature here is still below freezing. It was 30 when I got up at 9, just now turned 31... Oi! What few trees left with leaves are now a nice shade of yellow against the blue sky. I love when the sky turns a deep blue in the middle of the day; with yellow leaves against it, it's absolutely gorgeous. I took a picture showing exactly those things last year, but it's buried somewhere among the hundreds of developed film packs we have.

This is the day I wish wish wish Mr. L would be born on. If he isn't though, I won't be upset. It would, however, be nice to meet him. Night time is the worst--rolling over in bed takes 5 minutes, punctuated with a lot of groans, moans and yelps from me as various bones and joints in my pelvic, hip and lower back area, settle. At one point I was attempting to get out of bed and moved a leg too far (I have pubic symphasis dysfunction, which means my pelvic joints are a little too separated causing mucho pain) and definitely was on the verge of tears. OWie. So the sooner I meet him, the more excited I'll be, lol.

We've settled on a way to get Athena. We're just going to pick a weekend some point after the baby is born and go then. Yes, I'll be very post partum and there will be a tiny wee one who needs frequent diaper changes (and hopefully no out of the diaper stuff) and frequent feedings... but it'll be worth it to round the family out.

Caayn is on leave now, which means we'll have lots of time to hang out! That's always a good thing.

Next midwife appointment is on Tuesday.

Watched The Devil Wears Prada last night... it was okay. Except for the fact within 5 minutes of watching it, I turned to Caayn and listed plot points. Unfashionable girl gets fashion job. Becomes fashionable. Boyfriend leaves her. Becomes unfashionable. Gets back with boyfriend.

Secretly I'm really into fashion. I like the idea of it, even if I don't participate in it myself. (I'm not hip.) Growing up, I desperately wanted to be a model. My grandma gave me two books from the 70s about modelling. I devoured them. (Uh, for the record, my grandma used to sell really awesome makeup and my aunt was a model for a little while, so its not like she went to a store and dug out creepy books, lol.) I went to scouting events, and once was even chosen... but my grandma, who I was living with at the time, wouldn't let me spend the money I needed on head shots and various expenses. I doubt I'd have made it anyway--I'm 5'4", which is pretty much too short. Plus my face is crooked (one side is narrower than the other) and my teeth are crooked... so yeah... but still... was a very fun dream to have.

Not sure what to rate the movie though... wasn't very funny, was very predictable, no hot girls OR boys... I'd probably say don't watch it unless you really have some time to murder, because it's just another mindless drivel sort of movie.

Another Whippet Rant Thing

Okay, this is starting to suck. I had another talk with Whippet Woman, and just like last time, we didn't get much done. She doesn't want us to have to drive 16 hours round trip just for our whippet. She can't drive very far away since A) she has 3 jobs and B) she would have to take her 93 year old mother too.

So this is where we are at:

Sioux Falls dog show in South Dakota is too far.
Fargo/Moorehead had their dog show a few weeks back.
St. Cloud dog show is December 16th.
Can't do a pick-up on Sunday, as she teaches Sunday school.

St. Cloud was decided as a reasonable distance for her to drive in her situation. We are willing to drive that far, but she would prefer we didn't HAVE to.

She's asked us to see if anyone Caayn works with will be driving through the area for Thanksgiving, maybe they could pick her up on the way home. (She'll be crated and they wouldn't have to do anything with her for the trip back.) Caayn is leery of doing that, plus he
thinks its weird to ask that.

So we still haven't figured out what to do. She's going to try and get some pictures up... apparently she has had a new camera since April but doesn't know how to work it; she said she'd practice on our girl and try and get some sent out.

I'm thinking of sending an email out to the folks on the WhippetSanity email group, see if anyone is headed anywhere near us or in any of the surrounding states... I know that some whippet people don't mind helping get a whippet from one place to another. Just a matter of finding the right people. Oi.

And we're still teetering on the line of before baby/after baby. I'd really like to not have to travel very far this pregnant... Mostly because with all my contractions and stuff, I just really can't be certain when it will make the leap from irregular contractions to patterned contractions. So ideally we would get this done -after- baby. But in order for it to really work, it would have to be after baby but before ALS. Seriously, this is too much! It's silly. But it's going to be so worth it by December. By December there WILL be a baby in the house AND my whippet girl. Plus, that's the month I start busting my rear in the gym so I can be all tight and sexy, as opposed to jiggly and frumpy. Hehehe!

Nice Day

It's 29 degrees outside. Has been for the entire hour I've been awake. Supposedly we're supposed to have today reach the 70s. It hasn't been the 70s in a long time. Probably all of October was spent being in the 40s and 50s.

We've been planning on going to the corn maze today, since the weekend when we learned Wednesday was supposed to be really nice. I hope it is! Last night Sully asked if we were going to walk in the corn... Plus it'd be nice to get some pumpkins carved up.

Weather in the 70s makes me want to make another trip to the dog park, just because it'll be nice out. And taking my dog to the dog park ranks pretty high on the list of things that make me happy. We no longer take Artemis... she spends the entire time barking hysterically at any person or dog, and she even lunges/chases dogs barking at them, which then gets Achilles all worked up. Ugh. We usually end up leaving early when we bring her. One of these days in the far future, I'd like to get a treadmill and have her work out on it. We don't take her on walks much because she acts like that pretty much the whole time she is walking (everything gets her worked up because anything could be something she doesn't like). And I think that getting some real good exercise in her will help. Silly dog.

We're hoping Mr. L makes an appearance here soon... It's to the point now where I can't really make plans with Whippet Woman on picking up Athena, since I can't leave the area until he shows up... and each passing day brings us so much closer to Caayn going to ALS. (We have exactly 14 days now until he starts ALS... which means he'd come to the birth, but then would have to continue the class instead of taking the leave we'd planned on...) Oi. It's just a little stressful. So the sooner he shows up, the sooner we can get Athena and then attempt to get settled in some sort of routine before Caayn isn't home all day with us.

Also, Hola, Isabel! brought up a good subject today, about making living wills... It's something to think about.

So Long, WoW

At this time, Blizzard has no plans to delete or "expire" characters, even if an account is deactivated or cancelled. This means that all of your characters and their progress will be retained on our servers. Should you decide to return to World of Warcraft and reactivate your account, you will be able to pick up your characters again wherever you left off.

I did it. I said bye-bye. It's still a fun game, and if I were in the mood, I would still love to play. I just hit the 40s slump where there aren't enough quests to keep me interested; all I was doing was grinding and that was no fun at all. Maybe one day I'll play again. It was a lot of fun having something like that to do with Caayn--we were very good at completing quests together, using each others strengths and weaknesses.

For the record, I have been WoW-free since September 25th, which was my last log-in. And I hadn't logged in for a month before that because all the auction stuff in my inbox had been deleted. Go me! Even Caayn doesn't play too often anymore, even though he is SOOOO close to the Outlands that its silly. He's back to playing UT, which sucks... he always gets mad at that game, and I'm not supposed to talk to him when he plays it because then he pays attention to me and dies a lot. Ugh. (I tried playing UT once... I sucked. Badly. Secretly, I am really bad at video games, even though I love watching people play them.)

Crazy Car Dude

Caayn and I were driving somewhere, I'm not sure where. Possibly the dog store to buy Sully a frisbee (they didn't have the 'right' kind so he settled for another--plus he was attached to a clicker trainer, so now I have one of those, whee!).

Anyway, it started when we were leaving base. You drive through a thingy that's considered the gate, even though it's not literally a gate. Directly after that, there is a set of poles in a slalom thing (they have that going in too). Well, some guy had parked on the side just past the gate. Dude, not a good place to stop, people need to go through. The car in front of me cautiously inches past, since it wasn't apparent what the hell the guy was doing. I was inching past when the guy cuts me off and speeds up. Umm, okay, whatever. Rude, but I can deal with it.

Now, for most people leaving the base, the destination is a place called 'downtown', which would be the town of Minot itself. To get there you take about a 12 mile drive down an absolutely straight highway, going 70mph. Unless it's winter. So we're toodling down the road, talking about this or that, listening to the radio, being silly with Sully, when I catch up to the dude from the gate. I'm already in the left lane, my preferred lane for no particular reason, so it's no big deal.

Except the guy totally does a whip necked side glance at us, and then speeds up about 10mph. We look at each other and laugh. What a goon! (After he was probably about 6 or 7 car lengths ahead of us, he promptly slowed back down to whatever pace he'd been at before.) So we keep going, obviously, at 70mph... and guess what. We catch up to him. But before I get very close, he again speeds up. At this point, we're laughing pretty hysterically. I start to wonder if the guy has a morbid fear of being passed by a minivan. Because seriously, he doesn't speed up when any other car gets near him...

At this time, it has now become a prerogative to pass this guy. We've reached the first stoplight, which indicates town is just ahead. Speed limit drops to 55 and than 40 in a mile or so. The guy was so freaked out by our car coming near that he would literally zoom ahead and weave through traffic to get away. We're going back and forth between full out laughter and just maniacal giggling.

Finally, it looks like we are about to pass him. Nope! He weaves out of his lane and into ours and zips forth. This goes on all the way up broadway (? I don't actually know the name of the street). We lose him at a red light. But then, somehow we find him ahead of us. We're still pretty far from our destination at this point. We take the plunge and start passing him. I'm trying really hard not to have a huge silly grin on my face, because this whole situation is just so loony. What does crazy car dude do? (Although, when you look at it the other way, I suppose we were crazy car people too...) He turns to look at us, and flips us the peace sign. What!?

That was totally the last straw. We're laughing and trying to figure out what the heck was all happening. I mean really, this guy is military. Does the military know they have a guy as strange as all this in their ranks?

So we completed out trip to the dog store (I'm sticking to the dog store trip, because I'm pretty sure that was when it happened)... Achilles got to sniff some birds and it was funny, we looked at all sorts of toys... I showed Caayn the sort of muzzle I was thinking about getting for Achilles, and he said no way. (It's the cage sort; all sighthounds I've ever seen wearing a muzzle where that kind). He didn't people thinking Achilles was vicious or something (he's not). I went with the decision after trying it on Achilles. The metal was too heavy, so that the top was resting on his nose... not good for running, where it would bounce on his fragile nasal passages. I want to look into finding a plastic type maybe... I'd feel better if he had something on at the dog park. I know he's not hurting the other dogs, but I'd rather the other owners feel safe too; no one likes to see a strange dog chasing theirs while trying to catch 'em about the neck.

I also peeked at stuff, keeping dear whippet in mind. (It's a strange feeling to know I have another dog, she's just not here with the pack yet.) I'll have to meet her and find out her personality before buying anything. She'll need some clothes though, thats for sure. Did I say we had chosen her name out? She's going to be Athena, to fit in with our name scheme. All dogs have an A name, preferably god or goddess, but mythology works too (hence Achilles, not a god, but still just as good)! And for anyone who has a super good memory and was wondering how the name Abby fit in with that--Abby's real name was Apollonia, but if you have ever tried calling that out really fast, you'll see it's a bit too cumbersome.

To round off the story.... We left the dog store and were headed to the bypass to get to the dog park, when low and behold, the crazy car dude is two cars ahead of us! How funny is that? Just a silly little coincidence that finished that all up.

I thought this was totally hilarious, the whole thing. I never have weird things happen to me while driving. Other than watching an extreme amount of people running red lights. (Seriously--I have never stopped at a light without seeing at least one person run it, usually two.) Caayn is forever coming home and telling me about the silly things that have happened to him while driving. I think the worst was a winter or two ago when some guy was hauling ass down a housing street and then tried to stop at the sigh, on solid ice roads (I also swear that base snowplows do NOT work--its so much more dangerous driving on base in winter than anywhere else...) There was lots of sliding and a very near accident. That was scary to hear about.

Anyway, thats it! Funny story! :D

((Still contracting, but not quite like yesterday. I hit 37 weeks this friday. Also, I am totally kicking butt on my medical coding stuff... I think I've completely something like 5 tests in 3 days? I forgot how fun it is! And I'm calling Whippet Woman tomorrow, so hopefully I'll have more news on that front as to when we can get a chance to meet up. Maybe I'll get some pictures too. I can't wait to see what Athena looks like, really really.))

No Labor

Oops, I didn't get back here for an update as soon as I thought. Aside from going to my midwife appt, we had to go pick up a refill on a prescription and then run into Target and get another appliance lock. (Seriously, no more pumpkin pies incidents, please.) By the time we were out of there, I was completely beat.

I can hardly sit here right now, I just want to go curl up in the fetal position and sleep.

Anyway, appt stuff! I only gained 1 lb (whoo!!) putting me at 34 gained. Blood pressure was good, Mr. L's heart sounded good. I am currently sitting at 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. Which sort of means nothing, considering I'm 36 weeks and have already had a baby. So looks like we're still waiting. She did say that the baby is waaaay down, like she felt his head and was hardly up there... I could have told her that--I woke up the other day and was doing the spread legged waddle walk. Not fun when I know how silly I have to look, lol. She was excited about that. I swear, does no one think I can birth a baby? Sully was head down, I was dilated to 10 and pushed for an hour and a half. If they had KNOWN he was facing up, let me try other positions, and let me push longer, I would have done it. EVERYONE keeps telling me that babies just can't be born facing up. UGH. So every little thing my body does that is "normal" makes her excited in thinking I can do it. Duh. I knew that. I'd've done it the first time if they left me alone and let me push...

Still having some good contractions though, here's to hoping they continue making change on me. Funny thing for any moms out there... In the wee hours, about 30 seconds before a contraction would start, I'd get the tingling sensation of let-down. Thought that was pretty funny!

Maybe Labor?

I've been contracting sort of regularly since around 4am... I know it was happening even longer though because they woke me up a couple times. Much more intense than braxton hicks. It was almost like deja vu. When labor started with Sully, I was in bed around 6am, tiny groans escaping with each one. That was what I was doing this morning. I did get up to eat around 7, because one thing I didn't do with Sully was eat. (Caayn and I calculated that I hadn't eaten in almost 3 days by the time I had my first meal after the c-section. How insane is that? Gotta love hospitals who don't allow laboring mothers food.)

They've since slowed down. I'm left with lower back pain, occasional attack of cervical pain, and probably one contraction in10 minutes. The cervical pain is the worst. Sully came to wake me up, and during one of those episode things, he jumped on me. OMG. Yowzers. I'm pretty sure my vision sort of faded and I yelled for Achilles to get off of me right now!! Poor dog, he wasn't even in the room. I have a feeling laboring with Sully in the house is going to be not so fun.

So today is going to be a nice slow day. I'm going to do a lot of bouncing on my birthing ball, probably walk around as much as I can... whatever I can do to make the lower back pain go away--it seems to spread into the muscles on the back of my hips, which makes standing still or sitting for long kind of achy and painful. I do have an appt today! I keep forgetting.

I swear I had a great post for today... about a really crazy driver.... It'll have to wait for now, maybe I can come back to it later. :)

Also, Sully has managed to break our fridge lock. Which sucks majorly. Apparently he had wandered around the house this morning before coming up. He ate the rest of one of the pumpkin pies. (Yesterday morning he had brought up a whole pie and ate it quietly outside of our bedroom door until he was ready for us to get up...) Hmm. Stinker! And he also seems to have gotten into the box of diapers that we bought yesterday.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll post again later. Cross appendages and stuff that we see baby!

Countdown to the End of Whippet Posts

**more whippet stuff--discontinue reading if uninterested! :D **

Had another call with the Whippet Woman today. Female whippet is indeed ours. I've chosen the name Athena for her. It was one of several good contenders, but then we were listening to the radio and a song came on where they said something about Athena, and that just did it. No pictures yet, she said she'd send me some soon. $350 for her, which is super awesome. She did say that she'd like for us to spay her; no problem there, I already had intentions on doing that.

We now have to figure out how and when we are going to transfer her to us. Her daughter is also involved in the Whippet World, and there is a show in Sioux Falls during the first weekend of November... but I found out that is 8 hours from us. At that distance, we may as well just drive out to the Woman's house and pick her up there. She is going to check for dog shows in the surrounding area that they might attend, in hopes of finding one that is a good distance for both of us to drive.

I am so darn excited. Geez, I sound like a broken record. I need a new word to replace excited with. But I am!

Yesterday Sully requested (at 6pm) that we go to the dog park. He was a shrieky, melt-downy mess, and any discussion of going to the dog park made him break out in smiles, so we instantly hopped on that. Achilles had a blast. Except there was a Yorkie there... in the big dog field. Achilles loves Yorkies. We tried to ward off any possible bad dog behavior by letting him run off some steam in the second big dog field, but there was a fence down and plastic stuff used to "close" it. Not good enough for safety. The second we went back to the front field, Achilles zoomed off for the Yorkie. He did what he normally does to Artemis, paws at her and nibbles/fleas the area around their neck. Well, thats all in well on Artemis, but not a 4lb dog. How embarrassing. We've been considering getting him a muzzle because of the whole prey instinct thing. Whenever he runs with a dog, he usually is trying to catch them on the neck. We know why he does it, but I'm sure other dog owners are worried that he is trying to hurt their dog. (He's not.) Apparently whippets are pretty bad about the prey instinct too, so it might be muzzle on both at the dog park.

I can't wait to see the two of them sprinting across the field together. I'm pretty sure I'll melt. Hopefully the snow keeps not falling and we can get at least one day in at the park. We haven't gone in the winter (not sure about Sully running around in such cold weather, even if he is wearing a snowsuit)...

AHHHH! :D I want to jump up and down and squeal like a little girl. Seriously, this is so very very awesome. I joked to Caayn that I'd wear it in the Moby out in public sometime (they are within the weight limit of the wrap)... I think it'd be funny.

Oh! My ipod got here the other day. Caayn laughed at me when I opened the package and was like, "OMG, it's not in there!!".... I'd never seen one before, actually in my hand, and hadn't realized they were so wee tiny. Too bad it didn't come with any cords or anything. It's sitting in my sock drawer (something else Caayn thinks is funny--I seriously stash all sorts of stuff in my sock/underwear drawer... where else would you hide stuff?!), waiting to be filled with lovely happy music.

AND my CPT manual got here yesterday. I've managed to complete 2 lessons now. From not doing my lessons in so long, I forgot how much I enjoy this. It'll be nice whenever I do get a job for it, it's totally the sort of thing that is right up my alley. I still can't believe I got the book for like $13 on Amazon. Normally the book is really pricey. I feel like the person who made a good score on ebay. (Amazon is my version of ebay.)

That's all for now. We're going to run out to the pet store later and pick up a frisbee. One of the folks last night had a frisbee and their daughter was tossing it... Sully thought it was the height of fun to run after it and bring it back. My son was playing the role of dog in a game of fetch, lol. So we have to get him one because he is dying to play some more. Plus, maybe I'll get a chance to show Caayn how silly Achilles is around the bird they have there. He is totally spooked about the strange smelling, feather creature that talks and whistles at him. Great fun!

Terrible Twos?

Good gracious. If anyone knows how to make a 2 yr old stop hitting, "twitching" his hands so that everything within a 3 foot radius goes flying off whatever surface it is on, kicking, and screaming for entire hours at a time.... I'm totally listening.

I swear, ever since he started getting out of bed at 7 or 8, the days get worse and worse. It's nonstop yelling, from both of us. Say all I want to do is change his diaper. I usually ask him if he wants one, because sometimes he'll say yes. If he says no, I'll ask if he wants to hold a diaper. This works about 70% of the time. If neither work, I'll wait 20 minutes or so and ask again. Or just set him on the ottoman and proceed. By this time, he is screaming his head off. "I don't WANT a diaper change! I WANT a diaper change!" There will be lots of foot stamping (I don't mind foot stomping, it's not hurting anyone or destroying items) and smacking of the table or said ottoman. Pajama pants off. Cue the nonstop foot kick. It's bad for whichever of us is changing the diaper. Caayn does it standing over the ottoman, so the kicks are perfectly aimed for his boys. I sit down on the couch to do it, because I can't stand hunched over like that. Which then puts his kicks aimed directly for my belly. He can't hear us tell him to stop kicking because he's screaming and yelling so loud, so then we're yelling back. And he's too darn strong to hold his legs still. What could be a less than one minute operation then turns into a 10 minute ordeal that leaves anyone involved worn out.

It generally just goes down hill from there. I hate it. I don't want to be the mom who yells at her kid. I'm at a total loss at what to do here. Something has to change or I'm going to go out of my mind. Most days, by 10am all I want to do is sit and stare blankly at the wall. It's so easy to just tune out the tantrums. But that doesn't help make them stop. And that's what needs to be done. I feel so bad for Mr. L... he is never going to get a chance to sleep. I feel bad for Caayn too; by the time he comes home from work, I am done. I don't want anything to do with Sully, I just want to go hide under the bed or something. I feel terrible even saying that, but its so true.

He does have his good moments. After a good 45 minutes solid of shrieking, writhing on the floor, smacking the crap out of things, etc, he'll calm down and be all smiles for a bit. That's always nice (even if half the time I am so pissed at that point that I don't FEEL like smiling back when I smile). We read books together. I remember when he was a baby, thinking about how would I ever read a book out loud? I always hated doing that because I have trouble keeping up and stumble over words. But he's brought out my inner narrator. It's fun to find the rhythm of each book. The more you get into it, the more he gets into it.

What am I doing that I can't stay calm in such a situation? I swear, any time Caayn gets overwhelmed by Sully's attitude, I'm always calm. I think we balance each other, because we are never upset at the same time. One of us is always rational. I want us to have a happy family, not grouchy.

I woke up this morning thinking that I ought to get some sage and smudge the house. All of this negativity is surely clouding the air.

No More Whippets--PLEASE

**All about whippet junk--if this bores you, read no further!**


So, I decided I was going to stop this insane hunt for the whippet. Put it off until next year, when we'll be in PA and could maybe stop at one of the hundreds of breeders on the way back. Would be much easier to do, since living in North Dakota puts us so far from everything else. (It's pure irony--I've discovered 3 or 4 breeders within a couple hours drive of my hometown. Seriously, I was apparently surrounded by them and never knew it.)

Except I talked with the Whippet Woman. And she has 2 available right now. 6 months or so in age, which is a little younger than I'd like, but honestly, I wouldn't say no. She has a female and a male. She started off saying it was a shame we were interested in a male, because she had this female... so I'm kind of wondering if after reading my WRAP application and my email to her daughter, she might think the female would fit better with us. The female is mostly white, with a spot of red brindle on her head and a spot on her side. The male is white and red (possibly brindle). And she was even willing to drive half way, which would give us an 8 hour round trip drive rather than 16 or 17. She said to think about it and call back.

I wish she'd emailed instead--I'm so bad at getting my questions across on the phone. And before I can call back, I need to figure out which questions need to be asked before we commit to this. Caayn is letting me handle this, since it's "my thing". Plus, he choses bad dogs. His last pick? Abby, also known as Devil Dog. Here I was, ready to give up and wait, when this comes to me. I feel myself being tugged toward this unseen girl whippet. Funny. After all, I was the one who said I wanted another male dog.

The downside. Four hour drive, 35 weeks pregnant. I can flat out tell you know, if I asked the midwife if she'd let me, she'd say no. 8 hour round trip. Could I make it back in time, if I did go into labor? I'm feeling a 60% chance on yes, I would. But I can't base this on anything. My labor with Sully was so messed up. If I based the labor solely on the time from waterbreaking to birth, 18 hours. Supposedly additional births progress faster than first time. I could half that in 9 hours. Which would put me at just toeing the line. Personally, it'd be worth it. Stay super hydrated, walk around every couple of hours. But in order for this all to work, we'd have to be moving on this plan ASAP. Even two weeks is too long to wait. At 37 weeks, I have to admit that the distance is too long. And while Caayn could do the drive himself (it's a super easy drive, we've done it several times), I wouldn't get the chance to meet the woman and ask whatever questions pop into my head. So yeah. Lots to think about here.

Hopefully I will resolve this soon, so that I can stop blogging about it. It literally has taken over my brain. All I can think about are whippets. I found a hilarious blog about a lady who has 9 whippets. It's amazing. I can see myself being that lady when I'm older. Just surrounding myself with greyhounds and whippets. Ahhh, what a life that would be! Full of doggy induced insanity.

Freaking Out!

Boy, I am awfully mopey. This whole whippet deal (sorry to bring it up AGAIN) is really bumming me out. I'm the sort of person who makes a decision and then takes action. I don't like to wait once I have my mind set on a goal. Well, unless said goal is long and drawn out, then I get hooked in to procrastination. So the fact that we finally decided now might be the time to add a whippet to our family (something we agreed on at least two years ago), it's driving me batty that I can't. I'm waiting for a phone call from a breeder in Minnesota, but I might just call her instead. Oi. I swear, I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown over this. (It's totally possible this is me shifting any baby related anxiety to a new situation, if you hadn't already thought that.)

Yesterday I downloaded iTunes. That was kind of fun. Gave me something to do other than stare at unchanged breeder websites and refreshing the WRAP Homes Needed page. Apparently all my cds equals 1262 songs/3 days of play time/4.02 GBs. Also, Alternative & Punk and Jazz seem to be my most popular genres. I can thank Louis Prima for the jazz; I love that guy. Poor Caayn though. He started importing all his cds to the iTunes on his comp... Neither of us know exactly how many cds he has, but needless to say, it's too many. I'm assuming it will take him about a week to get them all in. And if I had to guess, I'd say the final count (based off of the info from my cds) will be 7,000 songs, 9 days playtime, and 14GBs. I'll probably be way off, lol.

No labor yesterday, no labor today. If this baby is going to be a prankster, he has tomorrow to put me into labor. If not, that's okay too. Like I said yesterday, I'm really thinking end of October.

Caayn is going to Jimmy's birthday dinner tonight (Happy birthday to Jimmy!), and I plan on calling whippet woman (I generally refer to all of them that way and Caayn is always like, uhh which one?) in the brief period he is home. This is doubly exciting. First, Caayn has never done anything fun without me (not including 'mandatory fun' with his squadron), so I'm hoping he has a really good time. And second, I could potentially get some info on this whole whippet deal. Seriously. Oh, and a third exciting thing--since Caayn is going to eat out, I'm making pancakes for dinner! Yum! :D Now, if Sully would just learn to like pancakes...

Watch Out--Another Long Post

I hate the radio! Don't Fear the Reaper just came on... I swear, it's like a moth to a flame for me. It makes my fingers itch to grab The Stand. I start missing the characters, the plot lines. However, I have like 3 books I'm reading right now, and then Caayn wants me to read all of his book. Not to mention, my copy of The Stand has seen it's last days. I need to buy a new one.

My Moby wrap got here yesterday. It's so darn big! I swear, it's like 12' of fabric. From what I can tell, you have to keep it folded in half, and if the material weren't stretchy, I'd be inclined to stitch it shut. It's fun though! I used Caayn as a mannequin and tried it out on him with a Doodle Bear as a baby. He said he felt silly, but I think with more practice, he'll get used to it. Me too. I felt like I wasn't doing it right, since the part that goes across your lower belly would be lose and floppy, but if I tightened it, it would ride up. I'm going to keep practicing (when Sully is napping, definitely) though, so I at least have an idea as to what I am doing, hehe. I like it though, the fabric is so soft!

Midwife appt yesterday. I seemed to have gained 6 lbs in two weeks. Apparently that 2 lbs I gained previously wasn't acceptable and I had to make up for it. I start going weekly now, so my next appt is Monday. I did ask her to check me (I want to know if all these contractions are actually doing anything), but she 'didn't want to stir anything up' and said I'd be checked when I was 36 weeks. Kind of silly, since a) my OB last pregnancy checked me literally every appt (oi) and b) I was already half way through the 35th week. :P So I'll have an update on that front next week. Oh! She also left my chart open on the computer when she left, so I checked it out. I already knew what was in it, but it was interesting to see that things were marked like they were. The time I went to the hospital was marked as me having many signs of pre-term labor. And the following two appts were noted as me having occasional signs. Drives me crazy. If they thought in any way my contractions were some sort of PTL, you think they would have been asking more about it, rather than saying I just happen to be one of those women who will contract.

I've mentioned in the past that I'm studying medical claims and billing, with at home lessons that I can do whenever I want. Well, I've sort of taken a break since last January. Mostly because it is impossible for me to find time to focus on that with Sully around, and then once Caayn comes home, I end up talking his ear off until we go to bed.

I decided that I wanted to finish it up, since I am pretty close now. I have like 10 lessons left. Plus, I'll have paid off the course this January and it'd be nice to get it finished before then. So I bust out all my binders and notes and highlights and pens and paper, and start reviewing stuff so I'd have an idea as to what was going on when I got to where I'd stopped. Apparently I had stopped without sending in my last test (uh, silly?!) and that I had worked half way through the next lesson and then stopped. (At the time I was working at the juice bar in the gym and was whipping through this stuff during my otherwise unoccupied 6 hours.) I finished up that lesson, sent in its test too... Only to find out that I could go no further. I didn't have my CPT manual, (Current Procedural Terminology). I ordered it and another book to replace the silly thing they included but took huge chunks out of. I keep thinking that if I had just finished that lesson last Jan. I would have discovered this so much sooner and would already have them. D'oh!

The silly thing is, I totally love doing this. It's a little sad to think that I won't get a chance to find a job for it for a long time. I don't intend on putting my newborn in daycare. So it'll probably be 3 or 4 years now, before I can use all this knowledge. Which blows, because by then, I'm sure a lot of what I know will have changed. Oh well.

Wednesday is Jimmy's birthday, and I've been informed no baby on Wednesday. I've now assumed that this has jinxed me. I can see myself going into spontaneous labor today, tomorrow or Thursday. I'd laugh.

Wait. My birthday is coming up too. Ick. Ah crap, my MOM's birthday is coming up soon too. And then like everyone in my family. Could someone remind Mr. L that this was why I didn't want a baby in November? That month is like a mine field, pocked here and there with birthdays. Dangerous stuff!

Also, is it just me or has October been flying by? This is my most favorite month, and it's already half over. What the heck? I'd really like Mr. L to put in an appearance before it's over. Especially since Caayn will be all busy with his school thing starting a week into November. I'd like at least a little time to adjust to being a momma of two + two [dogs]. And I don't want him to miss any of the school, because he needs it to get promoted, and I don't want that to get delayed.

Ah well. I'm going to go appreciate how wonderful each date sounds with the word October in front of it, or a number 10 in front. (Oh, and I am secretly, secretly, hoping that the baby comes on the 27th. That's just the most awesome. This is secret info, of course, because that does put me with very little time to make the adjustment before Caayn starts class.)

Waiting

It seems like I am forever waiting for something. This very second I am waiting for my red raspberry leaf tea to finish steeping. I'm now waiting for this contraction to end. I'm waiting for Caayn to come home for lunch. I'm waiting to leave to my appointment with my midwife, where upon arrival, I will wait again in a room specifically made for waiting in.

I don't mind waiting. I have patience, for the most part.

Sully has started waking earlier and earlier, it seems. He now comes up to our bedroom, all kisses and love, before spouting off the list of items he'd like for breakfast. Achilles doesn't like this early morning intrusion. He's a dog who appreciates sleeping in until noon each day. I don't mind it too much. Normally I prefer waking early as opposed to later because I feel like you miss a lot of the day. But being hugely pregnant has sucked the last of my energy. I'm exhausted all the time. Sunday was my turn to sleep in, and I slept until 10 minutes before noon. I haven't done that since before we had Sully! It was good.

He is also more excited about Mr. L. Sometimes he'll turn to me, pull up his shirt, and ask with a grin, "Who's in there?" And he wants to teach him how to color and to read. I'm ready too. I know, I say this in every post, but it is still true. Quite a few of the bloggers I read are currently pregnant. And I swear, their pregnancies are just flying by. Mine seems to be lingering on and on.

I bet my tea is done steeping, but I'll let it go longer.

I've also been going crazy over this whole whippet thing. Can it be I am trying to fill this remaining time with something tangible? I spend hours going through breeder websites, checking for updates on their newest litters or waiting for a litter to be born. I read articles and articles about them. We still really want to adopt one, but it really is slow going. The only state that constantly has a whippet is Oregon. I don't know how the lady does it, but I swear she must have like 10 whippets in reserve or something.

I contacted the breeder referral gal with the AWC (American Whippet Club), who referred me to a good breeder (who is also a judge of the breeder in dog shows) in Minnesota... we're being particular in that we don't want a puppy. We want a dog between the ages of 1 and 5. He didn't have any currently, but gave me a referral to another breeder in Minnesota who might have one. This is good. I feel like I'm making progress, even if I am mostly not. At least I am making some contacts in the whippet field.

My mom just called, interrupted the writing of this post. I then forgot about my tea. I think it steeped for around 20 minutes, possibly longer. Oh well, it'll just be that much stronger! She's so funny. We always talk about the weirdest things, and she always gets really excited about whatever is going on out here. She didn't provide a really good childhood (did the same thing with my brother--spent too much time wanting to be our friends not our parent), and since getting to the point in my life where I needed someone constant, we've been a lot closer. I think she gets so excited about things because I'm finally living a happy, healthy, good life. Which is something she has never seen for me, and she has never experienced herself, until recently.

We just bought Stephen Colbert's book, I Am America (And So Can You). Oh my freaking gosh, it is hilarious. I flipped through it a lot yesterday, and once I got a chance to dig in, only made a few pages in... but it promises to be a good read. He reminds me of myself, in that we are wordy bastards. He has little notes in the margins (with silly things that are very much like The Word), and then he also makes silly footnotes. If I wrote a book, I bet it would be very similar. I can't wait to keep reading.

I also need to buy a new George Carlin book. He is one of my favorite comedians, and his books can get me to tears from laughing so hard. I figure one of those ought to help through some of the labor. After all, laughter is good for you.

Caayn bought me an 8gb iPod nano yesterday from ebay. I'm super excited! I want to fill it up with good stuff for labor and afterwards too. However, this does mean I need to track down some missing cds. Uh, like my ultimate Dean Martin cd that has been missing for at least a year. GRRR. I love me some Dean Martin. And I've also got to find some music filled good sounds, which will require extensive google searching and speedy delivery services.

Took Achilles to the dog park yesterday. Not a single dog was there. I think he was bored stiff. He didn't even start running around until Caayn and I chased him around a bit. (Well, okay, I didn't chase so much as dodge at him when he came running by, to spur him into a faster run--it's too painful to run at this point.)

I have correspondences I need to reply to. It's so weird feeling. I have to be professional, which is surprisingly difficult when you haven't done that in ages. I have Caayn look them over to make sure I don't sound like some ditz with 3 brain cells. (Have you seen my blog? This is how I write! Geez.) Anyway, I'd better go hop on those. Otherwise they'll sit for who knows how long. I'm not the world's best at keeping up through emails. Unless you are Caayn, my mom or Jimmy, you generally have to wait long periods of time before I get around to you. Kind of silly too, considering how much I like to type. Oh well! I'd better stop now, or else I'll just keep going on and on.

The One About Metallica

I can't think of anything to write about that isn't somehow pregnancy, Sully, Caayn or dog related. There's the weather, which is still cold, but I already did that one. Oh wait, I've got a topic that I've been storing for rainy days like this (its not raining though). I discovered it one day while Caayn and I were going to the mall. Not sure how we stumbled on the topic.

Caayn doesn't like old Metallica. Yeah, that's right. I started listening to Metallica in 6th grade, and once in junior high, I'm sure my fellow bus riders didn't appreciate me belting out the lyrics while listening to my walkman... Suffice to say, I love Metallica. To be more precise, pre-Reload stuff. After Reload came out, they went downhill. I think the worst thing they did was the stuff with the orchestra. Unfortunately, Caayn thinks that is some of their best stuff. How did this come about?!

Eh, it's not that bad, I guess. I don't listen to their cds anymore, mostly because I tend to prefer silence when I can get it (plus we only have one stereo that actually plays cds and that is in Sully's room--the rest are stereos that got burnt out playing his lullaby cd). But when I hear them on the radio, I get lost. I think they are brilliant. Lars is one of the better drummers, in my opinion (despite his being a whiny ass without his drums). Actually, I think I refer to him as a drumming god. Then again, I'm totally partial to guys who can kick ass on a double bass drum set. I'll spend the whole song focusing on one instrument or the other, and then stepping back and listening to them weave together as a whole. It's beautiful stuff, man.

My favorite song by them is Fade to Black. It used to make me cry, in both it's beauty and it's sadness. I am that geeky.

Oops, Ray Ramano is on Comedy Central... I'd better go. He cracks me up.

Umm, Brrr?

It's 37 degrees out. It has been that temp since I woke up at 8:30. YUCK! On my google homepage, I have the weather forecasts for here, Dover and Lewes. Current temps? 80 in both Lewes and Dover right now. At 11am their time.

I'm all for autumn and winter, but geez, couldn't it spread the love a little? My mom lives in Arizona and she called yesterday morning. Said that the temp was dropping and that last week was in the 90s. According to her it was chilly! Then when she mentioned the forecast of 80s this week, I told her she'd better break out the winter gear. Silly lady! It always cracks her up to hear weather things or to think them about where she is. We're from the coast of California--when you look at the weather for that state, there is always a little spot, right in that elbow knob thing, where the weather rarely seems to change. Thats us. So my mom was surprised that in just one year she was able to adjust from our weather to the weather of Arizona. Same here. 37 I can go out in without a jacket and check the mail across the street. In the dead of winter, if it gets to 30 or 40, you are wearing your lightest sweater with the sleeves pushed up. Back home, if it was 50, it was so cold! It's funny when you can see your own perceptions change.

Caayn lost a notebook last night. Might not seem like a big deal, except it had some material written in it that he hadn't had a chance to get typed onto his laptop. He has a habit of writing in both notebooks and the comp, so he usually does have material in one notebook or another that needs to be moved around. I'll be cleaning the house top to bottom, hoping I find it; he'll be poking around work. I really want to find it--if it shows up, he has to do a 20 second happy dance. :D

Now for my Sully update... He is so freaking smart. His favorite bedtime book is The Poky Little Puppy (I have a rant on that book that maybe I'll get around to typing up). He now can 'read' a good portion of it. The first line he has down pat: "Five little puppies dug a hole under the fence and went for a walk in the wide, wide world." When we get to the part where the four puppies go down the hill, instead of rolly-polly, pell-mell, tumble bumble, he says pell, tumdle bumble. It melts my heart every time. I don't think I was 'reading' a book until I was probably 3 and a half or so, because I was actually reading by the time I was 4. At his rate, it will be totally possible for him to be actually reading on his own before too awfully long.

Randomosity

I bought my Moby wrap yesterday! (I chose the chocolate color, since I wanted something Caayn would wear too.) I'm so excited for it to get here so I can play around with it. I wonder if I could get the cat to pretend to be a baby... hmm...

My father-in-law called last night. He and his wife are visiting Caayn's great aunt out in Delaware. And it's Greyhounds Reach the Beach weekend in Rehobeth. GRRR! They are so lucky! I've been wanting to go there for 2 years now, but we keep going out to PA at the wrong time. We think we might try and make it next year. I'm already crossing my fingers. Reach the Beach is a big to-do for Rehobeth. Greyhounds and their owners travel from all over to get together and promote adoption, as well as hang out with other hound lovers. They have events like early morning walks on the beach, dog runs, and seminars for owners to attend. (This year they have a seminar on caring for your hounds paws, which I would love to learn more about to prevent Achilles from getting those sores.) Seriously, some year we're going to make it and Achilles is going to have so much fun! Plus I bet we'll run into folks I've met online through flickr or this one greyhound yahoo group. That'd be really fun!

I've been in touch with the whippet lady for North Dakota, who said she'd keep my adoption application on hand, as well as passing it along to other rescuers in nearby states. Plus she mentioned something about a breeder in Minnesota who has some older puppies they are looking to sell. So we're still not making any real headway, but you know what they say, good things come to those who wait. And when you deal with a breed as carefully managed as the whippet, you'll definitely have a long wait.

Boring weekend so far. It's weird--after having spent over 6 years playing virtual pet sites (I just hit the 6 year mark on my neopets account, but who plays there anymore? They sold out when they turned into Viacom...) I have nothing to do on the computer! After I burnt out on Neo, I switched over to Subeta... but I couldn't stand all the psycho changes that are made nonstop there, so I quit it too. Now I just read my blogs, check my baby forums, check WRAP for any new whippets, check flickr for dog pics, and hop on ICHC for any new cat macro. After I check my email like 5 times, I'm at a loss. Lately I've been reading more. Picked up the Pern series again, even though I've read all the books like 100 times and know the world inside and out from having roleplayed it... Argh. Oh well! It's not like NOT being addicted to the computer is a bad thing. Just a whole new experience.

Now, if I could just work up the nerve to upload some pictures... I think I have 300 of Achilles, just sitting there waiting to be sorted, deleted or edited. One of these days I'll manage to capture half of his charm and personality in a photo. It's harder to do than I thought it would be. We did get some lovely ones of his eyes, which I'll have to share. He has the most gorgeous eye color for a dog--it's like a light golden brown, with an inner ring of milk chocolate, and then his pupil. Just lovely. I wish my eyes were that color!

Oh, and I also picked up my birthing ball. We're very nearly ready. I just need to get some curtains and wash the new clothes. Surprisingly the ball is really good for making my back pain go away. I'm not sure if it's from being forced to sit differently or if it's from sitting on a ball full of air, but it's nice. Now, if I could figure out how to sleep on it, I'd have solved all my back issues! :D

Getting Ready

I feel the end getting closer. I'm more aware of what hasn't been done, what should be, and what I want to do but can't. 34 weeks tomorrow. That sounds like I have a long way to go, but I don't. A month, give or take. Mr. L is lower. I've lost a bit of my mucous plug (oh, I should have warned that something gross sounding was coming)... He gets angry when he's restrained. If I hunch too much, or I'm curled too tightly, he'll start kicking out in all directions. He feels the need for a little room. When I walk for too long or stand for periods of time, like while cooking dinner, he lets me know my time is limited. I feel kick-offs from the top of my uterus, and proddings at my cervix. Sometimes I imagine that he is just going to come diving out.

I haven't hung curtains in his room yet. I probably should get on that, since his room gets the most light. I haven't washed the new stuff we bought for him. And I keep meaning to ask Caayn to hunt out the baby carseat. It probably should get a wash down, since it hasn't been used in a long time.

I spend a lot of time looking at my belly in the mirror. I want to remember the graceful curve it gives me. Pregnancy is usually spent looking forward to the days when your belly is big, I'm not sure why. And then once you get there, its too hard to remember what you looked like before to compare. I feel much smaller than I was with Sully. I probably am, in a way. Back then I was a stick with a baby inside. Now I'm a Momma with a baby inside. There's a difference.

I'm very tired these days. I find myself awake at 2am, reading. It's the only way to make my mind tired enough to sleep. You can drown out restless thoughts. Through the night I wake up a lot. I think about how this will be what it's like when Mr. L is here. Although, then I won't need to read myself to sleep--I'll be zonked before you could say, "Want to go to sleep?" It makes me sound like a bad mom, but I am looking forward to my stay in the hospital. I'll finally get to be alone. Caayn and Sully won't be able to visit for long periods of time, because Sully would be stuck in the room. And our hospital doesn't do rooming-in. So I will be able to sleep when I want, let my mind wander, soak in being alone. (With exceptions for the nurses who come in every half hour...) I'm not alone much these days, whereas in my early days, I was alone a lot. I walked miles and miles, alone. Me and my thoughts. The sun. The wind. The rain. I miss that. And could never do it here; it wouldn't be the same. It'll be a nice refreshing little rest before plunging in to being the mother of 2 plus some furchildren.

I'm ready though. Ready to meet this little guy.

Jealousy, Be Gone!

Yesterday Caayn informed me that he needed a haircut. I said the same thing, because my hair was all shaggy and driving me crazy. He said to make an appointment for 6pm, if possible, and then went to work. So I give my salon a call and book our appointments. He was, needless to say, shocked that he was going to be getting his hair done in a girl's salon/spa, thought it'd be outrageously priced. I think we had an agreement that it would be worth it if the girl gave him a complimentary lap dance.

My stylist (its weird to say that... I've never had a regular person who does my hair) didn't give him a lap dance, and he said it wouldn't have counted anyway since she wasn't very good looking. But he was pleased with the cut. It doesn't hurt that she gives awesome scalp massages while she washes your hair. And I'm super happy to have my hair short again. (Although, I have to admit, I would just love having the back of my head shaved. I hate having short hair with any length of hair back there. Caayn says no, lol.) Sully called the steamer thingies that you sit under when getting your hair colored, saxophones. It was very funny. He also requested that I make him his own appointment so that he can have his hair washed in the funny chairs, and have clippers used on his hair like Daddy. (He also said, "Would you get up please?" to whoever was getting their hair cut at the time, over and over. It was silly.)

But if you knew me (umm, and to be honest, hardly anyone who knows me knows THIS about me), you would know that I am insanely jealous. I used to live in a world where Caayn was so most definitely cheating on me. If he was late from work, duh--he'd been at his girlfriends. If anything changed in our sex life, it was something he learned from said girlfriend. It was bad. It got to where I couldn't do anything. I would freak out if he saw cleavage on tv, or heck, a slightly hot girl in a movie. Did I say it was bad? I saw a psychologist, for this among other things (I'm sure, if you've read this blog long, you'll have realized I'm slightly crazy and have lots of mental baggage.) Her advice was to overload. Have him be around girls all the time while I was there, watch porn or something. Just go overboard. Umm, yeah right. I thought psychologists were supposed to know that patients lie and hardly ever tell the full truth, at least until they've been your patient for a long time. If I had done as her said, I think we would have ended up divorced. Or I'd've had a brain anurisym from complete anger. (Oh, I also generally have a problem with girls--I think most of them are dumb... which is silly considering I read 99% girl blogs, and have things in common with them all.)

This is something I've been working on mentally for a long long time. Caayn is not the sort who would cheat. I trust him not to. But I don't trust the girls. It's a nasty cycle. I've had to go to a lot of squadron events to realize that all the girls he works with are highly unattractive. Apparently it took me getting on Zoloft to finally kick this. I've been able to make my irrational side agree with my logical side (I've always known logically he wouldn't cheat, but fears and the like are usually irrational). In the previous years of our marriage, we could NEVER have joked about a girl giving him a lap dance. Never. I would have shut down and not spoken to him the rest of the day.

I'm not happy about the way I used to be. But from my past, it was what I expected. Most of the guys I dated, I was the 'other girl'. In the only long relationship I had prior to Caayn, I lived with the guy for a year, only to have him cheat on me. Finally I knew what it was to be the one who got hurt. And in the months before Caayn, I was in love with a guy. He was the one. He told me I was the one. But he had a girlfriend. She lived in Germany, but she went to school out in CA, so when school was in session, she'd live with him and his family. He couldn't bring himself to leave her. I once had a friend, my best friend and the guy who rented a room to me later, who said that I was the girl everyone wanted but not enough to make the commitment to me. And it was true. When Caayn met me, and liked me for me, thought I was funny, and came to love me, it was mind boggling. Those months were a whirlwind. The attraction was instantaneous. We became best friends basically over night. And I think before even the month was through, we knew we'd be getting married. And you know what? He wanted me, loved ME, enough to make the commitment. It was amazing. I think it happened so fast that I never really got over the feeling of waiting for the other boot to drop. (Umm, it didn't really help that he was actually engaged when I met him... and that he had to break it off with her...) It gives me a fear of what would happen if he met another girl online.

But you know what? I am so utterly happy that I made it through this stuff. That Caayn hung through it all and was there for me when I came out the other side of the tunnel. I'm happy now. I feel our marriage thrumming with life, not stagnant and dying from the vileness I poured into it. There's laughter again. The desire to be near each other. It's like how it was when we met. Best friends, confidants, partners. It's like coming in from the cold and being wrapped up in a soft, downy blanket.

So yesterday was a wee bit of an eye opener. I got a glimpse into how far I have come, and how far we have come as a couple.

Big Boy is Home

Just a quick update... not sure if I feel up to writing a whole post. I sort of feel like crap right now.

Big Boy was taken to the base vet, where the receptionist proceeded to be PWNED by Caayn. She had no clue how to look this sort of stuff up (was going to search husky, but seriously? thats one of the most popular breeds out here, since they withstand the cold of our frigid winters)... Caayn told her what to do and she did it. The owner was contacted. Apparently they had contacted the Law Enforcement desk, reporting their missing dog. LE then proceeded to say there was no missing dog reports. Hence the dog running in circles. The owners used to live on a street near us, but they got moved to a new area. (Hey guess what? They are going to be tearing down houses near us. AGAIN. Meaning I'll have to spend a second year dealing with loud, clanking contrstuction vehicles, large booms, and loads of dust. Again. I was so happy to move to this house, away from the contrsuction! Boo.)

His real name was Loki. Caayn said that he was very happy to see his owner, and to be called by the right name again, lol. I'm so glad that we were able to get him back with his family. So very glad. Doing things like that make me warm and fuzzy feeling. Sully was a little distraut when he woke up though. He couldn't understand why Big Boy wasn't running around, and he couldn't understand that he was only visiting and that he has gone back home now... He did like the big fluffy dog.

And me? I'm not sad to see him go. I reverse the situation and put me and Achilles in their shoes. I would be so grateful to someone for providing him with a nice place to sleep, feeding him, etc. And I would be over the moon to have the delight of my heart back (hehe, I always call him silly things like that, and delight of my heart is even funnier--it calls to mind some sort of fancy dessert, topped with whipped cream and a cherry). How could you be sad to give that to someone? It's also a little strange, realizing I've grown up so much. As a kid, we had strays a lot, and my mom always did what she could to get them back home. There was one in particular I loved. I named him Blaine and he was the sweetest little dog... one day (probably only a day or two later, but it felt like weeks), his owners were found. His name was Poppet. I ran away from the house, not wanting to see them take him back. Back then, I would have gladly kept all the animals, even if it caused other people pain, because children don't see beyond themselves.

Alls well that ends well!

Now, if someone could kindly tell Mr. L that when he uses his toe to draw designs on my uterus, it really really hurts and looks like he is attempting to cut his way out.

Oh, and I totally figured out what I want for my birthday. An iPod. (Yes, I discuss this stuff with Caayn, so there is rarely surprises when it comes to gifts, hehe.) If he got it early, I could use it during labor to listen to music (I think I want the kind of music with bongos and pipes and didjuridos--uhhh, no clue how to spell that--... Don't know what it would be called by genre though. My aunt and uncle used to play that sort of music in their store, and it was awesome. They even sold some of those didjurido thingies, and it was a blast trying to figure out how to play it. I don't think any of us ever succeeded, lol. Digressing... And even if he didn't get it early, I would be able to use it at the gym. Since I am supposed to live at the gym from December until at least March... Gotta be in shape if I want to have a tummy tuck. (Yes, I am that vain. I am unable to accept the belly that I was left with after Sully's birth, and I don't like to think what it will look like after a second.)

Anyway. Geez. This was supposed to be an update on Big Boy, not some huge ol' thing... I seem unable to do that too. I have too many words that need to be let out!

A Note About Achilles

The post was too long to include this, but I had to mention it... (Hey, it's my blog and its mostly here so I can write everything out of my brain, which is probably boring to all but me.)

Achilles is being SO funny with Big Boy in the house. He has turned totally possessive of me. He was never more than two steps away all night last night, and if Big Boy walked near, he would step closer and rest his head on me. And then once we were all in bed, which was early because Achilles was still recovering and was kind of loopy from his Rimadyl (I like to be near him as much as possible when he's like this, just so he has the comfort of his pack), he totally was all up at the head of the bed, head pressed on me, with his front legs across mine, nails slightly digging in to keep his hold. It was so silly. I was VERY proud of him not being toy aggressive too. Big Boy liked the squeaky hedgehog, which is one of Achilles' very favorite toys, but he never growled or tried to take it away. Not even when he played with the big squeaker ball that Achilles has, special from Pennsylvania, to replace the original one from PA that Abby destroyed.

Stranger in the House

The title says it all. We have a stranger staying with us.

Yesterday Achilles was out doing his thing when I heard a lot of dog barking. Ever since the dog incident, we really fly out the door when that happens. I saw a husky running loose, so I brought Achilles in. By the time Caayn was looking, the dog was way down the neighborhood.

An hour or so later, I hear nasty snarling and fierce barking. Being the person I am, I pop out and see which dogs are doing what. It's that husky again, and he's making an awful lot of noise at the neighbor's lab. Both of the neighbors are out, kind of just watching. I grabbed Achilles' leash from in the house and head over to see if I can get a hold of the dog. (Yeah, I realize that I get myself into situations in which it is probably not my best idea, considering I'm big and pregnant, and couldn't run if I needed to.) Of course he becomes a total angel when I get to him. He did have a tag, but the phones were in the house and Caayn was supervising Sully in the shower (new phase--prefers showers over baths). After a lot of silliness, I managed to snag a phone from my purse and get back outside without the dog going in the house or Achilles coming out.

Amazingly enough, his AKC registered tag was for a cat. Named Midnight. The AKC dude said he'd had a call yesterday about the same dog, and that the person had said they would contact the MPs on base. Generally the MPs don't mess around. If the vet is open, they'll attempt to find the owner. If the vet is closed, its off to the pound. Caayn and I surmise that whoever caught him yesterday, just let him go again.

He is a SWEET dog and I feel really bad for whoever lost him. I've got a note up at the shopette (there's a bulletin board there for folks selling things, puppy litters, lost animals, found animals, etc)... Unfortunately the base vet is only open Tuesday through Thursday. So unless I get a phone call today, he'll be staying through until tomorrow. He's well taken care of. Has sparkling white teeth, a nice coat, clear eyes, trimmed nails, doesn't get on furniture... Someone out there has got to be missing him fierce. I've been calling him Big Boy for a lack of anything else to call him by. Surprisingly Artemis did REALLY good meeting him... she's normally a terror. Achilles was okay, but ever since the fight, he can get really tightly wound when meeting a new dog. And it didn't help that he was hurt. (We went to the dog park on Saturday, he was fine until a dog who was fetching balls arrived; then he had to run as much as possible, and ended up opening his front pads again.) And introducing him to the cat was fun. At one point, I swear the cat's tail was as big around as my forearm!

See, this stuff always happens. Caayn thinks its because there are like 7,000 people living in such a small amount of area. I don't think so. Not considering this has been happening to me my whole life (my mom recently came across a kitten who had been hit by a car, took her home and nursed her up--she named the cat Fender, LOL). I think the Kleins must have some sort of animal connection. I like it. It reaffirms my belief that I am a good dog owner, who cares about how dogs are treated and will do what I can to help where its needed. I can't wait until Sully and Mr. L start bringing home animals they've found. My brother was always coming home with things like snakes and rabbits and stuff. Made for an interesting atmosphere, needless to say.

On a side note, we did not get Ziggy. I'm not sure how much the woman paid attention to what I wrote, because she mentioned how he needed to be in a home where someone was around him all the time (uh, I said I was a stay at home mom who pretty much doesn't leave the house, like ever), and also that they don't ship dogs (although I had said we were planning on making the 8 hour drive ourselves, if chosen)... But still. Now its a waiting game. Whippets don't come up for adoption very often, and we are looking at such a small amount of states we could visit (mostly just Minnesota, since the two rescuers in Montana are at the opposite end of the state as us)... She did offer to put me in touch with some breeders she knows who occasionally put up an older dog for sale (older as in, 2 years or so). So at least there is that.

Lastly, Sully has learned about paint. It's his new favorite thing. We're on the hunt for an easel, but damn, they are hard to find. We went to one store yesterday, only to find out that the store is closed on Sundays, "to allow employees family and worship time". Geez. I hate living in a place where things open late or are closed on Sundays to appease Christians. (Our Wal-Mart doesn't even open until noon on Sunday, how lame is that?) But whatever, we'll find one... Or Caayn will build one.

One more thing about Sully. He has started making his own transitions. Yesterday we went to the big neighborhood park up the street from us. After sliding down loads of slides, swinging on the swings, jumping off a tiny thing on the ground, and then sliding some more, he said, "I want to go bye-bye." We were shocked. He also climbed up to the top of his fave slide, then wouldn't slide down because he was scared. I think it has to do with the fact that the slide has curves (it's not a spiral, the curves go side to side) mess him up hardcore. He usually ends up nearly head first and covered in burns. Stupid slide. But yeah. He left the park all on his own. Not a single cry. This ROCKS!

Dang, one more funny thing. When we went to my midwife appt on Friday, the first thing Sully said after the nurse left to get the midwife was, "Take your pants off, Momma!" Over and over. I think it's because at my last appt I had to get a FFN test done, which involves taking the pants off. It was freaking hilarious.