30 October 2007

Nearing the End

Thought yesterday might have been the day. Strong contractions two minutes apart for at least 4 hours, then they slowed down to a nicer 4-5 minutes apart. But by afternoon they had slowed to 10 minutes. Slept good last night, finally. No contractions to wake me up! We go to the midwife today.

Today is my mom's birthday. I can't remember how old she'll be, since I always will think of her as 35. I *think* she'll be 49. Our birthdays are days apart. This year, they will be in the same week. I hope her boyfriend dude treats her to a really nice day. I don't think anyone has ever done something really good to her in years. (Except me and my bro taking her to Red Lobster, hehe, she loved that!)

Tomorrow is Halloween. Samhain. The other day I found two boxes of books in the garage. How insulting--books being kept captive in a box, not feeling the light, not having the chance for their bindings to be caressed, being picked up and read. I, of course, had to pull them open so I could see who was missing from my flock. One box was all of the books I have on Paganism. My heart swelled. Over the years that I've been married to Caayn, I've slowly lost touch with that side of me. My spiritual self is sort of like a piece of crepe paper, delicate, worn, crinkles with a tough. I hate it. Caayn met me on Witches Vox. (I think this is the first time I've mentioned -where- online we met in years...) But his way of celebrating life was different than mine. I had spent several years learning, sometimes living, with my aunt and uncle. They are Pagan. It was a time for healing the wounds in my body. So having lost that, it does hurt.

Now I wonder if it wasn't someone reaching out to me, moving me to the boxes. They have been sitting there since last November, and I JUST NOW decided to open them? What's up with that? the other box, by the way, held more paperbacks, as well as some big picture books that were mine as a child. Sully is learning the joy of Richard Scary.

I think reading those books again will jog my memory. Remind me of thoughts I haven't had in awhile. Some day Sully will ask about religion, spirituality, death... I want to be able to answer him, sure in my heart, without needing to think about it for three days.

Dang. I hope I remember to stop at the DMV or whatever stupid name they call it out here (seriously, its the Department of Motor Vehicles--why can't all states use that name, rather than feeling the need to change it up?).... My driver's license is about to expire... Ah poo, never mind, we even have a separate department for getting your license. Hope they won't be busy. I hope they let me keep my old photo... I love it... it's like the best picture of myself, ever. It reminds me of who I was--black hair, dark eyes, my worn jean jacket, playing pool all night, smoking cigarettes in the cool night air. I feel bad for Caayn--when he met me, I was a lot of fun. I did things. Since we've moved here, I stopped doing things. I'm not in my comfort zone anymore, can't take him on dates to all the places I've grown up around... Hopefully I'll find myself again. I bet Caayn would like it! (Even though he doesn't complain as is... I don't even know if he "cares" about those kind of changes... Ya know?)

Anyway, enough of that!

No candy is going out of our house tomorrow. The dogs set up way too much racket. No trick or treating for Sully. We didn't buy a costume because we didn't know what we'd be doing with the baby being due soon. We'll probably sit around and watch all those documentaries on vampires and werewolves and witches and ghosties, with me nitpicking them as if I knew more about an expert in the field. I always do that, not sure why. I also have a tendency to say lines with movies (although I have gotten better since Caayn hates that, lol). Same with music--if I know the lyrics, its almost impossible to keep me from singing.