Getting Ready

I feel the end getting closer. I'm more aware of what hasn't been done, what should be, and what I want to do but can't. 34 weeks tomorrow. That sounds like I have a long way to go, but I don't. A month, give or take. Mr. L is lower. I've lost a bit of my mucous plug (oh, I should have warned that something gross sounding was coming)... He gets angry when he's restrained. If I hunch too much, or I'm curled too tightly, he'll start kicking out in all directions. He feels the need for a little room. When I walk for too long or stand for periods of time, like while cooking dinner, he lets me know my time is limited. I feel kick-offs from the top of my uterus, and proddings at my cervix. Sometimes I imagine that he is just going to come diving out.

I haven't hung curtains in his room yet. I probably should get on that, since his room gets the most light. I haven't washed the new stuff we bought for him. And I keep meaning to ask Caayn to hunt out the baby carseat. It probably should get a wash down, since it hasn't been used in a long time.

I spend a lot of time looking at my belly in the mirror. I want to remember the graceful curve it gives me. Pregnancy is usually spent looking forward to the days when your belly is big, I'm not sure why. And then once you get there, its too hard to remember what you looked like before to compare. I feel much smaller than I was with Sully. I probably am, in a way. Back then I was a stick with a baby inside. Now I'm a Momma with a baby inside. There's a difference.

I'm very tired these days. I find myself awake at 2am, reading. It's the only way to make my mind tired enough to sleep. You can drown out restless thoughts. Through the night I wake up a lot. I think about how this will be what it's like when Mr. L is here. Although, then I won't need to read myself to sleep--I'll be zonked before you could say, "Want to go to sleep?" It makes me sound like a bad mom, but I am looking forward to my stay in the hospital. I'll finally get to be alone. Caayn and Sully won't be able to visit for long periods of time, because Sully would be stuck in the room. And our hospital doesn't do rooming-in. So I will be able to sleep when I want, let my mind wander, soak in being alone. (With exceptions for the nurses who come in every half hour...) I'm not alone much these days, whereas in my early days, I was alone a lot. I walked miles and miles, alone. Me and my thoughts. The sun. The wind. The rain. I miss that. And could never do it here; it wouldn't be the same. It'll be a nice refreshing little rest before plunging in to being the mother of 2 plus some furchildren.

I'm ready though. Ready to meet this little guy.