03 October 2007

Jealousy, Be Gone!

Yesterday Caayn informed me that he needed a haircut. I said the same thing, because my hair was all shaggy and driving me crazy. He said to make an appointment for 6pm, if possible, and then went to work. So I give my salon a call and book our appointments. He was, needless to say, shocked that he was going to be getting his hair done in a girl's salon/spa, thought it'd be outrageously priced. I think we had an agreement that it would be worth it if the girl gave him a complimentary lap dance.

My stylist (its weird to say that... I've never had a regular person who does my hair) didn't give him a lap dance, and he said it wouldn't have counted anyway since she wasn't very good looking. But he was pleased with the cut. It doesn't hurt that she gives awesome scalp massages while she washes your hair. And I'm super happy to have my hair short again. (Although, I have to admit, I would just love having the back of my head shaved. I hate having short hair with any length of hair back there. Caayn says no, lol.) Sully called the steamer thingies that you sit under when getting your hair colored, saxophones. It was very funny. He also requested that I make him his own appointment so that he can have his hair washed in the funny chairs, and have clippers used on his hair like Daddy. (He also said, "Would you get up please?" to whoever was getting their hair cut at the time, over and over. It was silly.)

But if you knew me (umm, and to be honest, hardly anyone who knows me knows THIS about me), you would know that I am insanely jealous. I used to live in a world where Caayn was so most definitely cheating on me. If he was late from work, duh--he'd been at his girlfriends. If anything changed in our sex life, it was something he learned from said girlfriend. It was bad. It got to where I couldn't do anything. I would freak out if he saw cleavage on tv, or heck, a slightly hot girl in a movie. Did I say it was bad? I saw a psychologist, for this among other things (I'm sure, if you've read this blog long, you'll have realized I'm slightly crazy and have lots of mental baggage.) Her advice was to overload. Have him be around girls all the time while I was there, watch porn or something. Just go overboard. Umm, yeah right. I thought psychologists were supposed to know that patients lie and hardly ever tell the full truth, at least until they've been your patient for a long time. If I had done as her said, I think we would have ended up divorced. Or I'd've had a brain anurisym from complete anger. (Oh, I also generally have a problem with girls--I think most of them are dumb... which is silly considering I read 99% girl blogs, and have things in common with them all.)

This is something I've been working on mentally for a long long time. Caayn is not the sort who would cheat. I trust him not to. But I don't trust the girls. It's a nasty cycle. I've had to go to a lot of squadron events to realize that all the girls he works with are highly unattractive. Apparently it took me getting on Zoloft to finally kick this. I've been able to make my irrational side agree with my logical side (I've always known logically he wouldn't cheat, but fears and the like are usually irrational). In the previous years of our marriage, we could NEVER have joked about a girl giving him a lap dance. Never. I would have shut down and not spoken to him the rest of the day.

I'm not happy about the way I used to be. But from my past, it was what I expected. Most of the guys I dated, I was the 'other girl'. In the only long relationship I had prior to Caayn, I lived with the guy for a year, only to have him cheat on me. Finally I knew what it was to be the one who got hurt. And in the months before Caayn, I was in love with a guy. He was the one. He told me I was the one. But he had a girlfriend. She lived in Germany, but she went to school out in CA, so when school was in session, she'd live with him and his family. He couldn't bring himself to leave her. I once had a friend, my best friend and the guy who rented a room to me later, who said that I was the girl everyone wanted but not enough to make the commitment to me. And it was true. When Caayn met me, and liked me for me, thought I was funny, and came to love me, it was mind boggling. Those months were a whirlwind. The attraction was instantaneous. We became best friends basically over night. And I think before even the month was through, we knew we'd be getting married. And you know what? He wanted me, loved ME, enough to make the commitment. It was amazing. I think it happened so fast that I never really got over the feeling of waiting for the other boot to drop. (Umm, it didn't really help that he was actually engaged when I met him... and that he had to break it off with her...) It gives me a fear of what would happen if he met another girl online.

But you know what? I am so utterly happy that I made it through this stuff. That Caayn hung through it all and was there for me when I came out the other side of the tunnel. I'm happy now. I feel our marriage thrumming with life, not stagnant and dying from the vileness I poured into it. There's laughter again. The desire to be near each other. It's like how it was when we met. Best friends, confidants, partners. It's like coming in from the cold and being wrapped up in a soft, downy blanket.

So yesterday was a wee bit of an eye opener. I got a glimpse into how far I have come, and how far we have come as a couple.


Anonymous said...

porn while you are around? interesting idea. my guess is that leads to #3.

short hair(s)? and big belly - pics en route?

Momma_Phoenix said...

Uh, no. I'm not THAT free of jealousy. Caayn knows I'd probably throw his computer in the trash if he was looking at anyone other than me nekkid.

I'll get around to belly pics sometime... its just that the belly hasn't grown or anything like that in several weeks and pretty much looks identical to the last pictures I took.

Anonymous said...

...right but the hair is the change you talked about. the belly would be a "sidenote" ;)

you mentioned watching while you were around - to that point you wouldn't be tossing any computers, hence the 3rd little one.

although sounds like you aren't entertaining that idea or currently allowing that idea at all.